[For all his mental defenses, Ogata wasn’t prepared for that. He was prepared for denials and shouting and distress. Maybe even concession, for Maya to finally back down and give up and call him a monster like she was supposed to.
He wasn’t prepared for that resolve. Those firm eyes on him. For I know. He wants to call her a liar. But her logic is sound enough. She knew. Maybe not completely. But somewhere in her head, she knew while she had said all that. She knew when she said he could do better. Hell, she knew when she came here to help him. And she knows now when she’s continuing to insist he’s not the monster he thinks he is.
That it hurts him to be? He doesn’t think that. Maybe he’s just used to it. Certainly it’s not as painful as reaching out and being ignored. It’s better if it’s self imposed. And hated. People notice you if they hate you. And he certainly doesn’t care either way. He doesn’t. He’s tried so hard not to that surely by now he must have become what he was striving for.
His face shifts, more than it normally does, that almost gleeful malice falling away like shattered armor, exposing something shocked and vulnerable. Eyes wide as his hands slacken, sliding down the bars onto Maya’s before recoiling as if they’d touched a hot stove. He takes a step back. He frowns for a moment but it falls away just as fast as if it hadn’t been glued on properly.
Finally, in true fashion of this shonen protagonist defeating the villain with the power of friendship, he crumples to the floor as if overburdened by the weight of the truths she’s flung at him. His head rests heavily against the bars, unable to either support it not look back up at her properly.]
... What do you want. [The hoarseness in his voice heavy as he finally speaks, the venom all washed out. It’s a strange question but it’s all he can think to ask at this point. He doesn’t see what her goal is in all this. He can’t fathom where this belief is coming from, if she knows.]
[ she continues staring him down even as she sees him crumple, her determination never wavering. it's satisfying, in a way, to watch his armor dissipate, to see what's exposed underneath. she didn't quite buy his smug villain act, and to see that she was right not to, is well, significant. the way he falls to the floor is pretty reminiscent of a defeated ace attorney witness, frankly. ]
I told you already, I want you to do better.
[ gosh, ogata. but no, she can't leave it at just that. ]
But not for me, or for your dad, or for anyone else. For you. Because you deserve to be better. And don't try to argue with me again, either.
[ he's probably not going to, but. ]
I've seen people worse than you who have changed. So I know that you can, too.
[Ogata really doesn't know what he's done to deserve any of this. He doesn't know what exactly Maya is asking him to do. He's always been like this. He doesn't think he knows any other way to be. But he's all out of arguments. Out of points to bring up. He sits there for a minute, head swimming. And perhaps because he's been so thoroughly defeated, that part of him that wanted to reach out for Maya's words this whole time finally surfaces. Maybe he could. Maybe he could try, somehow. Maybe things could be better. Maybe-
But, then again. She was right earlier. He's afraid. He's afraid of more turned backs and more denials. He's afraid of being used. Afraid of looking foolish and desperate, the pathetic child no one wanted, grasping desperately onto any glimmer of attention he could find. He doesn't want to feel like that ever again. He doesn't want to end up like his mother.]
... You mentioned I was like your family. What did you mean? [A distraction? A deflection. Sort of. But also, maybe, something to learn from. The reason Maya is so convinced he can change. He wants to know it.]
[ maya's satisfied with where this has gone, and he seems physically well enough that she could leave. but he brings up her family --- it'd been a slip of the tongue in the heat of the moment, dahlia, her mother, and morgan still circling her thoughts from wonderland, but now it's out in the open and he's asking about it. ]
[ she doesn't want to talk about it. she doesn't want to think about it. she never does. but this is the one situation where her past and the entire screwed up fey hierarchy could be of use. if only to help ogata. ]
Most of my family aren't like my sister and I. [ only pearl, too young to understand what being part of the branch family means, still innocent. ] The way my clan is set up..... it's designed to make us hate each other, and for the most part, it works. For generations, there's just been a cycle of betrayal, and bloodshed and murder. For power. For pride. And it's self-perpetuating. Sis and I chose not to be like that. She even distanced herself from me so that we wouldn't end up hating each other.... and to find our mother.
[ .... ]
That's another thing. Mia and I know what it's like to be abandoned. Our mother disappeared when we were both very young, right after our father died. The woman forced to raise us, well, she was like your....
[ despite the resolve she started off with, she can't finish the sentence. it's too painful to think of morgan like that, even though deep down she knows it's true. ogata will just have to connect the dots, because that's as far as maya can go. ]
[He can make a guess. No one being "forced" to raise a child was going to give them any real attention. He can imagine Maya faced with her fair share of turned backs, too. The family was at odds. Probably fighting over inheritances. Maybe only certain people got the medium powers. Maybe they were passed on. People treated family name as something so important, after all. Nobility. Rank and status. All something worth fighting over. Worth tossing people aside over.
He's not sure what to think about Maya being the way she is now, still basically a child, and having anything in common with the way he was raised. Doesn't that just prove his point? If Maya can be better, despite her circumstances, but he's still like this, he really must be...]
If you can go through all that and come out as normal as you are, there really must be something missing in me, after all. [He'd always figured it must have been a product of how he was born, how he was raised. But maybe not. Maybe he didn't have anyone else to blame.]
I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about if things would have been different if I'd been born like Yuusaku. If I could have been a whole person, then. [Legitimately, to parents that loved eachother. Imagine that.]
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no subject
He wasn’t prepared for that resolve. Those firm eyes on him. For I know. He wants to call her a liar. But her logic is sound enough. She knew. Maybe not completely. But somewhere in her head, she knew while she had said all that. She knew when she said he could do better. Hell, she knew when she came here to help him. And she knows now when she’s continuing to insist he’s not the monster he thinks he is.
That it hurts him to be? He doesn’t think that. Maybe he’s just used to it. Certainly it’s not as painful as reaching out and being ignored. It’s better if it’s self imposed. And hated. People notice you if they hate you. And he certainly doesn’t care either way. He doesn’t. He’s tried so hard not to that surely by now he must have become what he was striving for.
His face shifts, more than it normally does, that almost gleeful malice falling away like shattered armor, exposing something shocked and vulnerable. Eyes wide as his hands slacken, sliding down the bars onto Maya’s before recoiling as if they’d touched a hot stove. He takes a step back. He frowns for a moment but it falls away just as fast as if it hadn’t been glued on properly.
Finally, in true fashion of this shonen protagonist defeating the villain with the power of friendship, he crumples to the floor as if overburdened by the weight of the truths she’s flung at him. His head rests heavily against the bars, unable to either support it not look back up at her properly.]
... What do you want.
[The hoarseness in his voice heavy as he finally speaks, the venom all washed out. It’s a strange question but it’s all he can think to ask at this point. He doesn’t see what her goal is in all this. He can’t fathom where this belief is coming from, if she knows.]
no subject
I told you already, I want you to do better.
[ gosh, ogata. but no, she can't leave it at just that. ]
But not for me, or for your dad, or for anyone else. For you. Because you deserve to be better. And don't try to argue with me again, either.
[ he's probably not going to, but. ]
I've seen people worse than you who have changed. So I know that you can, too.
no subject
But, then again. She was right earlier. He's afraid. He's afraid of more turned backs and more denials. He's afraid of being used. Afraid of looking foolish and desperate, the pathetic child no one wanted, grasping desperately onto any glimmer of attention he could find. He doesn't want to feel like that ever again. He doesn't want to end up like his mother.]
... You mentioned I was like your family. What did you mean?
[A distraction? A deflection. Sort of. But also, maybe, something to learn from. The reason Maya is so convinced he can change. He wants to know it.]
no subject
[ she doesn't want to talk about it. she doesn't want to think about it. she never does. but this is the one situation where her past and the entire screwed up fey hierarchy could be of use. if only to help ogata. ]
Most of my family aren't like my sister and I. [ only pearl, too young to understand what being part of the branch family means, still innocent. ] The way my clan is set up..... it's designed to make us hate each other, and for the most part, it works. For generations, there's just been a cycle of betrayal, and bloodshed and murder. For power. For pride. And it's self-perpetuating. Sis and I chose not to be like that. She even distanced herself from me so that we wouldn't end up hating each other.... and to find our mother.
[ .... ]
That's another thing. Mia and I know what it's like to be abandoned. Our mother disappeared when we were both very young, right after our father died. The woman forced to raise us, well, she was like your....
[ despite the resolve she started off with, she can't finish the sentence. it's too painful to think of morgan like that, even though deep down she knows it's true. ogata will just have to connect the dots, because that's as far as maya can go. ]
no subject
He's not sure what to think about Maya being the way she is now, still basically a child, and having anything in common with the way he was raised. Doesn't that just prove his point? If Maya can be better, despite her circumstances, but he's still like this, he really must be...]
If you can go through all that and come out as normal as you are, there really must be something missing in me, after all.
[He'd always figured it must have been a product of how he was born, how he was raised. But maybe not. Maybe he didn't have anyone else to blame.]
I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about if things would have been different if I'd been born like Yuusaku. If I could have been a whole person, then.
[Legitimately, to parents that loved eachother. Imagine that.]