[Ogata laughs, sharp and wheezy, almost more like a cough, and winces because of it.]
The smell in the trenches was far worse than this. You just learn to get used to it.
[Still, he does as he's told. He's startled, visibly, when they immediately make him feel better.
He doesn't think the wound has healed, not entirely. But it hurts a lot less and he feels less unspeakably tired and achy. But now he has to tell Maya how bad and scary he is, as she said. Or well, he could just refuse and ignore her, now that he's been healed. She probably wouldn't leave, though. He considers taking a step back, out of her grasp, but decides not to.]
I think the point is not to sit around marinating in your own blood.
[ why didn't he tell anyone? did dr. tank refuse to heal him? there must have been other reclaimers willing to heal him. or was he just too proud to admit it? that's probably it, considering he only wanted her to bring him his gun in case he wanted to kill himself. ]
[ why is ogata like this. ]
[ she expected him to have gotten into a fight with another reclaimer, maybe wash (who may or may not be in this cell, schrodinger's wash), but alex--- ]
[Ogata's brows arch in an almost skeptical expression, not because that's not a valid question, but more because he has a very sparing concept of who cares about who around here, and didn't know Maya was one of Alex's friends. But really, of course she is. Maya is probably everyone's friend or something ridiculous like that.]
If that was my goal I would have said your sister, I don't keep track of who you're friends with. [He pauses, smoothing back his hair in that almost feline way he does. For once it's warranted because he does look pretty generally disheveled.]
... Has he not told everyone he was killed? [He would have thought so. Which would make his claim, in theory, incredibly plausible. As a bonus: If Maya was hoping the shot was non-lethal, she can be dispelled of that.]
[ it's worse that he says that, even though he's right. if he was just trying to get her mad, he would have said mia. how casually he points it out is really what gets to her. ]
[ but no. maya would never think ogata would shoot anyone non-lethally. alex didn't say anything. ]
[ this is the first she's hearing of this, and the fact that he's talking about it so flippantly just makes it so much worse ]
[ she's repeating it in disbelief, not because she doesn't believe ogata would kill someone, but that there is no reason in the world maya could ever think of for anyone to hurt alex. ]
[ alex is kind and empathetic and would never hurt a fly. he told her she was his best friend here, he's nervous, but he's smart, he's a dork, and he has a huge capacity for other people despite whatever situation he's in. he carried shinjiro's body with her. he was dragging ferran's and erika's by himself. he. ]
[ and then her expression darkens in a way he's never seen before, and will probably never see again. ... well, maybe. he's probably seen her puff her cheeks, clench her fists -- make other silly and cartoonish expression of irritation and exaggerated anger. ]
[ but he hasn't seen her anger. not really. not like this. her eyes are glassy but narrowed, there's a spark between her fingers, but it dies down pretty quickly. the fact is? as angry as she is, she doesn't want to hurt him. eye for an eye has never been her thing. but. ]
What is wrong with you?! [ that's rhetorical. she knows. ] He's just a kid! [ an innocent kid who never wanted to hurt anyone. an innocent kid who should have been hurt, let alone killed, ever again, after what he went through. ] What could he have possibly done to make you think shooting him would be okay?!
[ congrats, ogata!!! you saw angery maya. don't make it weird. ]
[Ogata’s initial reaction is surprise twofold. At both Maya and himself. For Maya, well, sure he’d expected upset. He expected her to be mad. But not like this, not this cold dark fury. He expected tears.
For himself is the fact that it feels bad. He’s used to people being mad at him. He knows how to make people hate him and it’s better to be hated than to be ignored. Anger is familiar and if someone else is upset then good, he wants them to be. Except now it just feels like a pain in his stomach. He thinks of that horrible roller coaster Maya had brought him on. He thinks the feeling is something like that.]
[He tries to shove that feeling down, ignore it. So what if Maya had been nice to him! Now she’ll just know better. Now it’ll just be like with everyone else. That’s fine. He’s used to it.
Really, “what’s wrong with you?” Feels like it must be a rhetorical question. She should know there’s plenty wrong with him. Really, he doesn’t know why she’s so surprised. He thinks about when he grabbed her hand. How she’d let him even though she was so clearly afraid, just because it was what he needed-
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t. He was born to be scorned, not cared for. Just give Maya an answer so she can leave.]
He made me mad. [A simple, frivolous answer. Surely that will just make Maya angrier.]
[And now, for the aggravation wombo combo; smugness. Though somehow his smirk lacks it’s usually bite. As if it’s forced. As if that initial look of shock and reproach is still hiding under the surface of it, throwing him off his game.]
I told you, didn’t I? You should have asked before helping me.
[ the cold fury doesn't last long. it turns into something worse...... disappointment. hearing his reasoning doesn't help, even though it's honest. it's direct. it's exactly what she asked for. it doesn't help. ]
[ but then again, in her eyes, nothing could justify hurting alex. ]
So you'll just shoot anyone who makes you mad, is that it?
[ she grits her teeth, but her eyes are still glassy. funny, though, how she's not leaving. or trying to swipe the berries out of his hands. ]
It doesn't change anything, I just would have thrown them into your stupid mouth instead.
[ his stupid!! murder mouth!! that's probably closer to what he expected as a reaction. then, she takes a deep breath, and looks at him, really looks at him. ]
[He doesn't answer the first question, because it doesn't really matter. It probably doesn't even matter in Maya's eyes that he only did it because he knew Alex wouldn't stay dead. She'd probably have some sort of issue with that reasoning, too.
And he has to look away, then, away from the look she's giving him because somehow it feels even worse, worse than the expected anger and worse than the anger he actually got. He doesn't even know what that expression is, but he knows that he hates it. Hates her looking at him so intently like she's searching for something in him, in his face. She'll figure out what he's missing, looking that hard.
The second question, now... that's something to consider.]
... It's not about wanting. It's just something that happens naturally.
[ there's no reasoning that makes it better -- so whether or not he knew alex would come back (missing something, worse off than he was) or not doesn't make a difference to her. ]
[ whatever she's looking for, she seems to find. she looks more sad and disappointed now than angry. ]
No, it isn't.
[ ... ]
You just think it is because of what your dad said to you, so you act like this to get everyone to turn on you because you're afraid that if you tried, if you really tried, it would end the same and he'd be right. Isn't that it?
[More than anything else anyone's ever said to him, that really makes him look like he's been slapped in the face. Pure shock, mild affront. His memory of the conversation he had with Maya about the thing his father said to him is slightly vague through the haze of that mental breakdown. But he remembers well enough what thing she's referring to.
He knows exactly what's being talked about here. His shock shifts into something darker, angrier. Because deep down, he knows she's right. He doesn't think about it like that, he can't ever think about it like that. Because the Solitary Wildcat Sniper doesn't get scared. There's no room for fear. So he can't spare a thought to this. He isn't afraid. There's nothing to be afraid about;]
No. I already know he's right. That's what I'm telling you. [His tone, still raspy, has a hard edge on it. A defensive wall.]
[ she was listening, ogata. and she didn't forget. ]
[ and, well, good. she's getting through to him, even though she's hit a wall. he's listening. she moves closer, gripping the bars to stare at him through them. he could reach out and touch her, if he wanted to. ]
You're just like my family. You think because you were born into a cycle of hatred and betrayal and pain that's all you can do, just repeat it forever.
[ she may be projecting a little. her knuckles are white on the bars as she stares at him, maybe even through him. ]
But he's wrong about you. He doesn't know a single thing about you. [ how could he? when he left? ] And he doesn't get to decide what kind of person you are. You do. I know that you're not the heartless monster that he thought you are, even if you try to pretend you are to scare people away. You can fool yourself, but you can't fool me.
[Every word Maya says sinks into him like a knife. Hot and painful, because such optimism feels completely wrong and misplaced. Not a heartless monster? He can do better? No, no, that can't be right. What really makes it sting though, actually, is how deep down, a small part of him wants to believe her. Wants to reach out and seize that glimmer of possibility and belief. Support. You can do better if you just try. How can she think that after everything he's done and said?
Ah, but she doesn't know, does she? She doesn't know how deep this rabbit hole goes. For a few precious moments, the wall seems to fall down, and there's a look on Ogata's face that actually seems... normal? Eyes wide with possibility. A hand reaching out to grasp something he can't find the right words to describe yet.
But then that iron wall slams back down firmer than ever, and Ogata's hands tense before grasping the metal bars in turn, hands right above Maya's, so close they almost touch, but not quite. He leans in, smelling of sweat and iron, of something slowly going sour. His hair falls into his face but he makes no move to smoothe it back the way he normally does. The way he'd do it even when there was just the one eternal flyaway out of place.
There's something not all there in his face. Delirium, certainly, but more than that, something bordering on the mania he fell into in Wonderland. But there's a sharpness behind his eyes that wasn't there back then. He knows exactly what he's looking at. After a moments pause, he lets out another horribly wheezy laugh.]
And you think you know better, do you? Do you want to know why he said that to me? [He's sure she doesn't. Which is exactly why he's going to tell her;]
I killed him, Maya. I sat there and watched him bleed, I told him about how mother and Yuusaku died. How they really died. How I put a bullet in his precious real son's head. Because I wanted him to hate me. Wanted his last thoughts to be about how much he hated me, the ignored child, the mistake. [His words have all lowered to a hiss like every one hurts coming out. Like it hurts to even breathe, even though Maya already did what she could to fix his wound. Goodberries can't fix whatever the problem here is.]
You don't think I'm a monster? Maybe you're just not looking hard enough.
[ despite her being the one to grasp the bars, this is a little too close. he smells, he looks unhinged -- moreso than usual. it's like in wonderland where he was about to shoot her because he kept hallucinating his brother. her survival instincts are screaming at her to pull back, to put some distance between the two of them. ]
[ she doesn't, though. she has a point to make and she's going to make it -- she's too stubborn. she stares him right in the eyes, not even flinching. she's past that point now, the adrenaline's too high. she keeps up that uncomfortable stare, and just says two words. ]
I know.
[ a part of her did, anyway. the truth is? he's right, she didn't want to know. she didn't want to have it confirmed. the way he spoke about his father's last moments, it wasn't hard to guess. even his brother, she had her suspicions, considering that he was plagued by-- hallucinations, or a ghost, or something. ]
[ the mother is news to her. she also doesn't want to know. she doesn't want to think about it. so, she doesn't flinch, she doesn't blink. she keep staring. ]
I'm not some stupid little kid, you know. You're very chatty, and I can put two and two together when you tell me about your father's last words or how your brother's haunting you. I know how trigger happy you are, especially when people say things you don't like.
[ she says that very pointedly, considering the whole reason he's in here in the first place. and also their first meeting. and frankly? her opinion hasn't changed. he can probably see that from her expression. and general shounening. ]
So I'm looking really hard, Ogata. [ no mister! ] And I can see a man trying to force himself to act like a monster, even though it hurts him to do it. So maybe you should take a harder look, because I don't think it's me that you're really trying to convince.
[For all his mental defenses, Ogata wasn’t prepared for that. He was prepared for denials and shouting and distress. Maybe even concession, for Maya to finally back down and give up and call him a monster like she was supposed to.
He wasn’t prepared for that resolve. Those firm eyes on him. For I know. He wants to call her a liar. But her logic is sound enough. She knew. Maybe not completely. But somewhere in her head, she knew while she had said all that. She knew when she said he could do better. Hell, she knew when she came here to help him. And she knows now when she’s continuing to insist he’s not the monster he thinks he is.
That it hurts him to be? He doesn’t think that. Maybe he’s just used to it. Certainly it’s not as painful as reaching out and being ignored. It’s better if it’s self imposed. And hated. People notice you if they hate you. And he certainly doesn’t care either way. He doesn’t. He’s tried so hard not to that surely by now he must have become what he was striving for.
His face shifts, more than it normally does, that almost gleeful malice falling away like shattered armor, exposing something shocked and vulnerable. Eyes wide as his hands slacken, sliding down the bars onto Maya’s before recoiling as if they’d touched a hot stove. He takes a step back. He frowns for a moment but it falls away just as fast as if it hadn’t been glued on properly.
Finally, in true fashion of this shonen protagonist defeating the villain with the power of friendship, he crumples to the floor as if overburdened by the weight of the truths she’s flung at him. His head rests heavily against the bars, unable to either support it not look back up at her properly.]
... What do you want. [The hoarseness in his voice heavy as he finally speaks, the venom all washed out. It’s a strange question but it’s all he can think to ask at this point. He doesn’t see what her goal is in all this. He can’t fathom where this belief is coming from, if she knows.]
[ she continues staring him down even as she sees him crumple, her determination never wavering. it's satisfying, in a way, to watch his armor dissipate, to see what's exposed underneath. she didn't quite buy his smug villain act, and to see that she was right not to, is well, significant. the way he falls to the floor is pretty reminiscent of a defeated ace attorney witness, frankly. ]
I told you already, I want you to do better.
[ gosh, ogata. but no, she can't leave it at just that. ]
But not for me, or for your dad, or for anyone else. For you. Because you deserve to be better. And don't try to argue with me again, either.
[ he's probably not going to, but. ]
I've seen people worse than you who have changed. So I know that you can, too.
[Ogata really doesn't know what he's done to deserve any of this. He doesn't know what exactly Maya is asking him to do. He's always been like this. He doesn't think he knows any other way to be. But he's all out of arguments. Out of points to bring up. He sits there for a minute, head swimming. And perhaps because he's been so thoroughly defeated, that part of him that wanted to reach out for Maya's words this whole time finally surfaces. Maybe he could. Maybe he could try, somehow. Maybe things could be better. Maybe-
But, then again. She was right earlier. He's afraid. He's afraid of more turned backs and more denials. He's afraid of being used. Afraid of looking foolish and desperate, the pathetic child no one wanted, grasping desperately onto any glimmer of attention he could find. He doesn't want to feel like that ever again. He doesn't want to end up like his mother.]
... You mentioned I was like your family. What did you mean? [A distraction? A deflection. Sort of. But also, maybe, something to learn from. The reason Maya is so convinced he can change. He wants to know it.]
[ maya's satisfied with where this has gone, and he seems physically well enough that she could leave. but he brings up her family --- it'd been a slip of the tongue in the heat of the moment, dahlia, her mother, and morgan still circling her thoughts from wonderland, but now it's out in the open and he's asking about it. ]
[ she doesn't want to talk about it. she doesn't want to think about it. she never does. but this is the one situation where her past and the entire screwed up fey hierarchy could be of use. if only to help ogata. ]
Most of my family aren't like my sister and I. [ only pearl, too young to understand what being part of the branch family means, still innocent. ] The way my clan is set up..... it's designed to make us hate each other, and for the most part, it works. For generations, there's just been a cycle of betrayal, and bloodshed and murder. For power. For pride. And it's self-perpetuating. Sis and I chose not to be like that. She even distanced herself from me so that we wouldn't end up hating each other.... and to find our mother.
[ .... ]
That's another thing. Mia and I know what it's like to be abandoned. Our mother disappeared when we were both very young, right after our father died. The woman forced to raise us, well, she was like your....
[ despite the resolve she started off with, she can't finish the sentence. it's too painful to think of morgan like that, even though deep down she knows it's true. ogata will just have to connect the dots, because that's as far as maya can go. ]
[He can make a guess. No one being "forced" to raise a child was going to give them any real attention. He can imagine Maya faced with her fair share of turned backs, too. The family was at odds. Probably fighting over inheritances. Maybe only certain people got the medium powers. Maybe they were passed on. People treated family name as something so important, after all. Nobility. Rank and status. All something worth fighting over. Worth tossing people aside over.
He's not sure what to think about Maya being the way she is now, still basically a child, and having anything in common with the way he was raised. Doesn't that just prove his point? If Maya can be better, despite her circumstances, but he's still like this, he really must be...]
If you can go through all that and come out as normal as you are, there really must be something missing in me, after all. [He'd always figured it must have been a product of how he was born, how he was raised. But maybe not. Maybe he didn't have anyone else to blame.]
I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about if things would have been different if I'd been born like Yuusaku. If I could have been a whole person, then. [Legitimately, to parents that loved eachother. Imagine that.]
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no subject
The smell in the trenches was far worse than this. You just learn to get used to it.
[Still, he does as he's told. He's startled, visibly, when they immediately make him feel better.
He doesn't think the wound has healed, not entirely. But it hurts a lot less and he feels less unspeakably tired and achy. But now he has to tell Maya how bad and scary he is, as she said. Or well, he could just refuse and ignore her, now that he's been healed. She probably wouldn't leave, though. He considers taking a step back, out of her grasp, but decides not to.]
I shot that boy Alex.
no subject
[ why didn't he tell anyone? did dr. tank refuse to heal him? there must have been other reclaimers willing to heal him. or was he just too proud to admit it? that's probably it, considering he only wanted her to bring him his gun in case he wanted to kill himself. ]
[ why is ogata like this. ]
[ she expected him to have gotten into a fight with another reclaimer, maybe wash (who may or may not be in this cell, schrodinger's wash), but alex--- ]
You're not.....
Are you just saying that to try to make me mad?
no subject
If that was my goal I would have said your sister, I don't keep track of who you're friends with.
[He pauses, smoothing back his hair in that almost feline way he does. For once it's warranted because he does look pretty generally disheveled.]
... Has he not told everyone he was killed?
[He would have thought so. Which would make his claim, in theory, incredibly plausible. As a bonus: If Maya was hoping the shot was non-lethal, she can be dispelled of that.]
1/
[ but no. maya would never think ogata would shoot anyone non-lethally. alex didn't say anything. ]
[ this is the first she's hearing of this, and the fact that he's talking about it so flippantly just makes it so much worse ]
Y-You really.....
no subject
[ she's repeating it in disbelief, not because she doesn't believe ogata would kill someone, but that there is no reason in the world maya could ever think of for anyone to hurt alex. ]
[ alex is kind and empathetic and would never hurt a fly. he told her she was his best friend here, he's nervous, but he's smart, he's a dork, and he has a huge capacity for other people despite whatever situation he's in. he carried shinjiro's body with her. he was dragging ferran's and erika's by himself. he. ]
[ no. not even ogata would do this. ]
[ would he? ]
[ he would. he did. ]
done
[ but he hasn't seen her anger. not really. not like this. her eyes are glassy but narrowed, there's a spark between her fingers, but it dies down pretty quickly. the fact is? as angry as she is, she doesn't want to hurt him. eye for an eye has never been her thing. but. ]
What is wrong with you?! [ that's rhetorical. she knows. ] He's just a kid! [ an innocent kid who never wanted to hurt anyone. an innocent kid who should have been hurt, let alone killed, ever again, after what he went through. ] What could he have possibly done to make you think shooting him would be okay?!
[ congrats, ogata!!! you saw angery maya. don't make it weird. ]
1/
For himself is the fact that it feels bad. He’s used to people being mad at him. He knows how to make people hate him and it’s better to be hated than to be ignored. Anger is familiar and if someone else is upset then good, he wants them to be. Except now it just feels like a pain in his stomach. He thinks of that horrible roller coaster Maya had brought him on. He thinks the feeling is something like that.]
no subject
Really, “what’s wrong with you?” Feels like it must be a rhetorical question. She should know there’s plenty wrong with him. Really, he doesn’t know why she’s so surprised. He thinks about when he grabbed her hand. How she’d let him even though she was so clearly afraid, just because it was what he needed-
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t. He was born to be scorned, not cared for. Just give Maya an answer so she can leave.]
He made me mad.
[A simple, frivolous answer. Surely that will just make Maya angrier.]
done
I told you, didn’t I? You should have asked before helping me.
no subject
[ but then again, in her eyes, nothing could justify hurting alex. ]
So you'll just shoot anyone who makes you mad, is that it?
[ she grits her teeth, but her eyes are still glassy. funny, though, how she's not leaving. or trying to swipe the berries out of his hands. ]
It doesn't change anything, I just would have thrown them into your stupid mouth instead.
[ his stupid!! murder mouth!! that's probably closer to what he expected as a reaction. then, she takes a deep breath, and looks at him, really looks at him. ]
Why do you want everyone to hate you so badly?
no subject
And he has to look away, then, away from the look she's giving him because somehow it feels even worse, worse than the expected anger and worse than the anger he actually got. He doesn't even know what that expression is, but he knows that he hates it. Hates her looking at him so intently like she's searching for something in him, in his face. She'll figure out what he's missing, looking that hard.
The second question, now... that's something to consider.]
... It's not about wanting. It's just something that happens naturally.
no subject
[ whatever she's looking for, she seems to find. she looks more sad and disappointed now than angry. ]
No, it isn't.
[ ... ]
You just think it is because of what your dad said to you, so you act like this to get everyone to turn on you because you're afraid that if you tried, if you really tried, it would end the same and he'd be right. Isn't that it?
[ shots fired. ]
no subject
He knows exactly what's being talked about here. His shock shifts into something darker, angrier. Because deep down, he knows she's right. He doesn't think about it like that, he can't ever think about it like that. Because the Solitary Wildcat Sniper doesn't get scared. There's no room for fear. So he can't spare a thought to this. He isn't afraid. There's nothing to be afraid about;]
No. I already know he's right. That's what I'm telling you.
[His tone, still raspy, has a hard edge on it. A defensive wall.]
no subject
[ and, well, good. she's getting through to him, even though she's hit a wall. he's listening. she moves closer, gripping the bars to stare at him through them. he could reach out and touch her, if he wanted to. ]
You're just like my family. You think because you were born into a cycle of hatred and betrayal and pain that's all you can do, just repeat it forever.
[ she may be projecting a little. her knuckles are white on the bars as she stares at him, maybe even through him. ]
But he's wrong about you. He doesn't know a single thing about you. [ how could he? when he left? ] And he doesn't get to decide what kind of person you are. You do. I know that you're not the heartless monster that he thought you are, even if you try to pretend you are to scare people away. You can fool yourself, but you can't fool me.
[ ..... ]
You can do better if you just try.
no subject
Ah, but she doesn't know, does she? She doesn't know how deep this rabbit hole goes. For a few precious moments, the wall seems to fall down, and there's a look on Ogata's face that actually seems... normal? Eyes wide with possibility. A hand reaching out to grasp something he can't find the right words to describe yet.
But then that iron wall slams back down firmer than ever, and Ogata's hands tense before grasping the metal bars in turn, hands right above Maya's, so close they almost touch, but not quite. He leans in, smelling of sweat and iron, of something slowly going sour. His hair falls into his face but he makes no move to smoothe it back the way he normally does. The way he'd do it even when there was just the one eternal flyaway out of place.
There's something not all there in his face. Delirium, certainly, but more than that, something bordering on the mania he fell into in Wonderland. But there's a sharpness behind his eyes that wasn't there back then. He knows exactly what he's looking at. After a moments pause, he lets out another horribly wheezy laugh.]
And you think you know better, do you? Do you want to know why he said that to me?
[He's sure she doesn't. Which is exactly why he's going to tell her;]
I killed him, Maya. I sat there and watched him bleed, I told him about how mother and Yuusaku died. How they really died. How I put a bullet in his precious real son's head. Because I wanted him to hate me. Wanted his last thoughts to be about how much he hated me, the ignored child, the mistake.
[His words have all lowered to a hiss like every one hurts coming out. Like it hurts to even breathe, even though Maya already did what she could to fix his wound. Goodberries can't fix whatever the problem here is.]
You don't think I'm a monster? Maybe you're just not looking hard enough.
no subject
[ she doesn't, though. she has a point to make and she's going to make it -- she's too stubborn. she stares him right in the eyes, not even flinching. she's past that point now, the adrenaline's too high. she keeps up that uncomfortable stare, and just says two words. ]
I know.
[ a part of her did, anyway. the truth is? he's right, she didn't want to know. she didn't want to have it confirmed. the way he spoke about his father's last moments, it wasn't hard to guess. even his brother, she had her suspicions, considering that he was plagued by-- hallucinations, or a ghost, or something. ]
[ the mother is news to her. she also doesn't want to know. she doesn't want to think about it. so, she doesn't flinch, she doesn't blink. she keep staring. ]
I'm not some stupid little kid, you know. You're very chatty, and I can put two and two together when you tell me about your father's last words or how your brother's haunting you. I know how trigger happy you are, especially when people say things you don't like.
[ she says that very pointedly, considering the whole reason he's in here in the first place. and also their first meeting. and frankly? her opinion hasn't changed. he can probably see that from her expression. and general shounening. ]
So I'm looking really hard, Ogata. [ no mister! ] And I can see a man trying to force himself to act like a monster, even though it hurts him to do it. So maybe you should take a harder look, because I don't think it's me that you're really trying to convince.
no subject
He wasn’t prepared for that resolve. Those firm eyes on him. For I know. He wants to call her a liar. But her logic is sound enough. She knew. Maybe not completely. But somewhere in her head, she knew while she had said all that. She knew when she said he could do better. Hell, she knew when she came here to help him. And she knows now when she’s continuing to insist he’s not the monster he thinks he is.
That it hurts him to be? He doesn’t think that. Maybe he’s just used to it. Certainly it’s not as painful as reaching out and being ignored. It’s better if it’s self imposed. And hated. People notice you if they hate you. And he certainly doesn’t care either way. He doesn’t. He’s tried so hard not to that surely by now he must have become what he was striving for.
His face shifts, more than it normally does, that almost gleeful malice falling away like shattered armor, exposing something shocked and vulnerable. Eyes wide as his hands slacken, sliding down the bars onto Maya’s before recoiling as if they’d touched a hot stove. He takes a step back. He frowns for a moment but it falls away just as fast as if it hadn’t been glued on properly.
Finally, in true fashion of this shonen protagonist defeating the villain with the power of friendship, he crumples to the floor as if overburdened by the weight of the truths she’s flung at him. His head rests heavily against the bars, unable to either support it not look back up at her properly.]
... What do you want.
[The hoarseness in his voice heavy as he finally speaks, the venom all washed out. It’s a strange question but it’s all he can think to ask at this point. He doesn’t see what her goal is in all this. He can’t fathom where this belief is coming from, if she knows.]
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I told you already, I want you to do better.
[ gosh, ogata. but no, she can't leave it at just that. ]
But not for me, or for your dad, or for anyone else. For you. Because you deserve to be better. And don't try to argue with me again, either.
[ he's probably not going to, but. ]
I've seen people worse than you who have changed. So I know that you can, too.
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But, then again. She was right earlier. He's afraid. He's afraid of more turned backs and more denials. He's afraid of being used. Afraid of looking foolish and desperate, the pathetic child no one wanted, grasping desperately onto any glimmer of attention he could find. He doesn't want to feel like that ever again. He doesn't want to end up like his mother.]
... You mentioned I was like your family. What did you mean?
[A distraction? A deflection. Sort of. But also, maybe, something to learn from. The reason Maya is so convinced he can change. He wants to know it.]
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[ she doesn't want to talk about it. she doesn't want to think about it. she never does. but this is the one situation where her past and the entire screwed up fey hierarchy could be of use. if only to help ogata. ]
Most of my family aren't like my sister and I. [ only pearl, too young to understand what being part of the branch family means, still innocent. ] The way my clan is set up..... it's designed to make us hate each other, and for the most part, it works. For generations, there's just been a cycle of betrayal, and bloodshed and murder. For power. For pride. And it's self-perpetuating. Sis and I chose not to be like that. She even distanced herself from me so that we wouldn't end up hating each other.... and to find our mother.
[ .... ]
That's another thing. Mia and I know what it's like to be abandoned. Our mother disappeared when we were both very young, right after our father died. The woman forced to raise us, well, she was like your....
[ despite the resolve she started off with, she can't finish the sentence. it's too painful to think of morgan like that, even though deep down she knows it's true. ogata will just have to connect the dots, because that's as far as maya can go. ]
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He's not sure what to think about Maya being the way she is now, still basically a child, and having anything in common with the way he was raised. Doesn't that just prove his point? If Maya can be better, despite her circumstances, but he's still like this, he really must be...]
If you can go through all that and come out as normal as you are, there really must be something missing in me, after all.
[He'd always figured it must have been a product of how he was born, how he was raised. But maybe not. Maybe he didn't have anyone else to blame.]
I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about if things would have been different if I'd been born like Yuusaku. If I could have been a whole person, then.
[Legitimately, to parents that loved eachother. Imagine that.]